sticky floors galore
Cheese, cheese and more cheese, tackiness at it’s all time finest. This is the club that everyone in town always talks about in a positive manner but also one that everyone also hates. You know what club I mean, one that has a little under 16 night, foam parties and paint parties. Why do people like them? You just end up being cold and wet and you want to go home, the paint doesn’t come out too!
the bouncers are terrible, loads of fights happen outside
Central Square, Newport
This is essentially a very overpriced, incredibly rubbish disco. The town that I am from is really small so it’s the only thing we have, that’s why so many people go, even though it’s awful. The inside looks like a local town hall, there are loads of sheets hung from the roof and the floors to hide that fact. The entry fee can sometimes reach £8 and the bouncers are terrible, loads of fights happen outside. There is literally like two toilets also and the queues are big. The VIP area is hilarious and anyone can walk in to it. The ‘stage’ or podium where people dance is basically just some school play blocks pushed together, my friend fell off it once and broke her arm, the shame.
everything smells of soggy sandwiches
Fifth Avenue, Manchester
Fifth Avenue, situated in Manchester, is your typical cheesy night club at it’s finest. From the songs they play, ranging from ‘Fresh Prince of Bel Air’ through to ‘Barbie Girl’, through to the drinks they serve, which although may be only 90p, are definitely more like rubbing alcohol than vodka and always give you a hangover ten times over the normal feeling. The bouncers are also terrible, they pick out any girl that may be even a little bit drunk and tease her, whilst letting loads of drunk guys straight in. If you put down a jacket, it also gets swiped up straight away by the bouncers! The toilets are overflowing, the doors don’t really close properly and even if you want to leave, it is absolutely impossible to get out! Lastly, there is no phone signal because fifth is essentially in a bunker, so you can’t even check you’re phone to hide how much of a bad time you are having. The floor also feels like it’s been coated in glue and fights happen all the time. Also, if you want to go out to smoke or to chat with your mates that smoke, you have to pay one pound! ONE POUND!!!
this place gave some acquaintances conjunctivitis
Tiger Tiger, Manchester
The bouncers are awful, the drinks are so expensive and there are too many rooms! It’s like someone has decided to pack as much as they can into one very small space, from a multi coloured flashing disco stage that makes you feel much drunker than you already are, through to countless random props put everywhere like tigers and lions. The bouncers are awful, the songs are absolutely terrible and the whole thing just sounds like a tacky disco, it’s also one of those places that have guest events with people from love island and The Only Way is Essex, where you can get your picture taken with a grade E celebrity in front of a really gaudy board. Birdcage, situated next to it, is also just as awful.
the VIP area is hilarious and anyone can walk into it
Blue Angel, Liverpool
Apparently this place gave some acquaintances conjunctivitis, there is always a good few inches of overflow brown water from the bogs, which smells so disgusting and also makes the rest of the club smell too, ‘everything smells of soggy sandwiches’, it is down steep stairs in an overcrowded damp cellar and the queue takes hours for some insane reason. I am never going again, although I will probably end up there, everyone always ends up in clubs they hate!
you can’t even check you’re phone to hide how much of a bad time you are having
Couture is a small town club in Stafford and it’s definitely the worst club I have ever been to. It’s basically the club that everyone went to growing up, and initially I did think it was great, but when returning from uni for the holidays and going for a night out there, I cringed massively when I realised just how tacky and embarrassing the whole affair is, and how many people there were underage!
a horrible smell of rotten food and sick everywhere
Anywhere in Deansgate
Basically, anywhere in Deansgate in Manchester. The clubs are just positioned in a really awkward manner and impossible to get to and get back from. The bouncers are also terrible, sometimes my friends have been in there for quite a while and were told to leave in order to ‘let other people have fun’, so basically even if you do stay there a while you are kicked out for fresh meat, ew. The drinks are also ridiculously pricey and sometimes the clubs are so packed you can’t even dance.
more like rubbing alcohol than vodka
This club is pretty much the same as Blue Angel in Liverpool, just a part pub part club trying desperately to be a trendy nightclub. Everything smells like damp, the songs played are a a flashback to crap 90’s pop and RnB and there is always a horrible smell of rotten food and sick everywhere! People line up for sometimes an hour to get in just to be surrounded by that smell for a few hours. I can’t really comment on the bathrooms because I didn’t even go anywhere near them, although I could definitely smell them.
everyone always ends up in clubs they hate!
‘worst club in London, if not the country’
This is by far the smelliest club in London, and I am not even kidding, maybe the smelliest club in the whole of the UK. The toilets are always overflowing, the prices are ridiculous, even for London and it is full of people who count themselves as too cool to dance or talk so simply stand around the edges.