Valentines day is upon us *sigh* and if you’re #foreveralone then there is nothing in this life that makes uni more bearable than a hot piece of ass walking past you at the library. If, like me, you are a Humanities student then your best bet of human interaction in any given day is small talk with the cafe’s barista. This makes your library bae (the guy/girl who always happens to be there at the same time as you, looking mighty fine in some edgy ‘I woke up like this’ garms, balls deep in Kantian philosophy) the highlight of your day. You’ve imagined how you’ll meet a bazillion times- you’ll both reach for the same Nietzsche text on a shelf; you’ll accidentally drop your printing and they’ll swoop to your rescue, and as they bend over to pick it up, they’ll accidentally fall to one knee and produce an engagement ring. That’s totally normal- don’t sweat!
BUT it’s 2018, it’s a new year and time to make these hypotheses hypothe-serious. So, push aside your inhibitions and go full on predator. Ok, maybe not full on predator (restraining orders are still a thing FYI) but what’s the worst that can happen from trying to win over the (potential) love of your life?
If this idea fills you with reluctance, dread and paralytic fear then cast your worries aside- here is a foolproof guide on how to win the heart of your beloved. You. Are. Welcome.
Step One- gather details that you can use as conversation starters.
After a few weeks off close observation, make notes on what texts they read and whereabouts they tend to sit. Humans are creatures of habit, after all, so they will tend to be on the same floor and area of said floor most of the time. This is also a good indicator to find out what course they study (people usually sit near where their books are for maximum sitting time/minimum effort from movement). If you still can’t quite work out what course they’re on (it might be something rogue like Equestrian studies) then invest in a cheap pair of binoculars so you can subtly zoom in on what book they’re reading. Easy.
Step Two- approach your target.
Now that you’ve ascertained a rough idea of what they like/dislike it’s time to go in for the kill. Casually throw a paper ball at their head, and when they turn around, hit them with a cheeky wink. This will 100% come across as flirty and playful not creepy and unnecessarily aggressive. If this method isn’t quite your vibe, why not take a leaf from Mean Girls’ book (not the burn book, btw) and ask for today’s date (if it’s actually October 3rd, it’s fate). This provides the perfect opportunity to ask them on an actual date, and so the romance ensues.
Step Three- get your flirt on.
Now that you’ve started up a convo, it’s time to get flirty. Wink, bite your lip, laugh uncontrollably at every slightly humorous remark they make. If you’re a girl, play with your hair. In fact, if you’re a boy- do the same. It’s 2018 after all. Ask them if they have any hobbies. Ask them what their favourite food is. Ask them where they live. This shows them that you’re interested in what they have to say and will absolutely not make them feel like they’re being cross examined by the FBI.
Step Four- Ask them out.
If you really want to stand out from the crowd, you need to come up with something inventive. ‘Going for a drink’ is so 2000 and late, so why not think outside the box and suggest something a bit more out there. Pigeon shooting perhaps? A tour of Ikea? An indie film entirely in German without subtitles? Stretch your imagination because you want this to be a date to remember.
If the direct route isn’t quite your jam, then here’s some other ways you can hope to get their attention:
– When they go for a loo/cig/lunch break leave a note on their desk saying something cute like, “I’ve been watching you.”
– Walk past their desk and pretend to faint. Hopefully they’ll get up to help you, and if they don’t then they’re probably not the one for you.
– Stand up and perform an interpretive dance. This will show them that you’re confident and creative.
– Walk past and “accidentally” spill a drink over their work and laptop (check your angles before this one to ensure maximum impact). This will make them pity you, and so, more likely to positively respond to your suggestions to date.
– Write and recite a poem you’ve scribed based on your observations of them from across the room.
So there you are- now you have literally zero excuses to be alone this V-day. Thank me later.
Disclosure- should any of the following techniques result in a negative response, Student Life Guide is in no way legally responsible for your failures. Soz.