Love Island in full swing and let’s face it, you’re hooked. But, there’s something unsettling about this series. A certain Dejavu, je ne sais quoi. You might even feel like you’ve met the boys before. There’s a good reason for this – you have. The islanders this year perfectly sum up every fuckboy you’ve encountered at uni to a T. Read on to have all your worst fears confirmed. Sorry not sorry.
Eyal = The Gap Yah Wanker
Unfortunately, we’ve all had the displeasure of encountering someone like Eyal. After backpacking around Vietnam and experiencing ‘that one time in Thailand’, Eyals’ world over rock up to halls in their hareem pants and expect you to treat them as some form of better being. They’ll lecture you about the ins and outs of Tanzanian beading as if they’ve discovered the key to solving world poverty and – spoiler- they haven’t. You’ll shag them a few times because you like the smell of incense in their room, but as the wick burns out your romance fizzles into the spiritual oblivion. Namaste? I’m Namasdone.
Adam = The classic player
Adams are more commonly known as ‘the devil incarnate’. Everyone will tell you to avoid him like the plague. Much like the plague, Adam will stick to you like bubonic poison. That is, until he gets bored and finds another innocent bystander to leech off. With his deep brown eyes and piercing stare, Adams have this amazing ability to make you feel like you’re the only girl in the room while simultaneously checking out every other lady in the vicinity. If you let him, Adam will break you. Adam is your kryptonite. You’ll think you can change him (you can’t) and will go full-blown psycho when you realise how powerless he has made you. You’ll burn his clothes, bombard his voicemails, flounce around the Villa in your skimpiest bikini and his hat to show him that you don’t care. That’ll show him.
Alex = The desperado
He can’t really be classed as a fuckboy because he literally never gets laid, but we all know an Alex so he’s made it onto the list. Oh Alex, you poor sweet soul, Love Island just isn’t for you. Alex’s of the world will literally do anything to get a girlfriend. Forget bringing the mountain to Mohammad, Alex will jet you to the Bahamas and donate a kidney if it meant you’d agree to one drink at Spoons. Alex is not a bad person and that’s part of the problem. If Alex were food, he’d be the side salad. You know you should because its healthier than chips but it’s just so limp and lack lustre. Alex is tap water instead of a G&T. Alex is just going for pres because you have work in the morning. Alex is everything you need but nothing that you want. Sigh.
Wes = The Puppy
Aww, cute little Wes. So young and naïve and unable to commit. He thinks he loves Laura but really, he’s just looking for a Love Island mum. Wes is the boy who will whisper sweet nothings until you put his washing on. He’ll play with your hair until you cook him dinner. He’ll wag his tail in the hope that you’ll play. He’ll get distracted by shiny objects (new villa girls), but in a whirl of confusion start chasing his tail instead of them. Wes is adorable yet, in a sense, hopeless.
And last, but by no means least, Jack = Proof
Proof that not all men are bad. Proof that when you really like someone, you put in the effort. Proof that somehow, somewhere, we all have a chance at love. Jack is the twinkling star on a misty night, the sprinkle of chocolate on your cappuccino, the smell of freshly cut grass on a summer’s day. Jack has a heart full of gold and a mouth full of nonsense, so you can’t help but love him.